Hello, hello!
I used to love being alone. My mom once told me that when I was little, she’d find me sitting in the furthest corner of our backyard, playing by myself for hours. Iconic, I know.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more uncomfortable with solitude. Maybe it’s because I work for myself (and thus by myself). Or perhaps it’s because I’ve become more attached to closeness — both physical and emotional — over the past few years, when my whole world felt confined to the small apartment I shared with my boyfriend. I’m not sure if there’s a way to pinpoint the moment I went from being a person who enjoyed alone time to a person who feared it, but here I am, afraid.
I think that’s why I felt anxious leading up to the week-long trip my boyfriend had planned at the end of August — a trip during which he’d have no cell service. Even though it was a short span of time, I worried about being on my own.
But when the week came, I was surprised to find some of the anxiety that had plagued the lead-up to his departure was less constricting than I’d originally anticipated. Sure, I missed him a lot, but I was also okay. I could make plans with friends or call my sister. I could sleep diagonally across the bed. I could make a large dinner and eat the leftovers for breakfast, even if eating pasta for breakfast is a little weird! It almost felt like I was relearning my capability of caring for myself and of being close to myself.
I decided to record a nice thing each day that week as a part of a series I occasionally illustrate in this newsletter. So without further adieu:
If you relate to the fear of being alone, I invite you to share your experiences in the comments or in a direct email (isn’t it kind of funny how we can be together in the feeling of solitude?).
And Now For Some Recommendations:
A book to add to your library queue: All This Could Be Different by Sarah Thankam Mathews. I loved this book so much. It follows the protagonist Sneha, a queer, first generation immigrant woman in her early twenties as she navigates post-college life during an American recession. The story is intimate, honest, and ends too soon. A must read, IMHO.
A recipe to try: The aforementioned blackberry peach cobbler can be found here. Note: adding vanilla ice cream is not listed, but is 100 percent required.
A song to add to your playlist: Also previously mentioned, Texas Sun by Khruangbin and Leon Bridges is the perfect curtain call on summertime.
Reprieve from the doom scrolling: Sitting down in the shower. It’s like getting a back massage (if your water pressure allows). If you haven’t tried it, I highly recommend it.
Thanks for reading! Until next time,
Haley