#2: Seasonal Affective Disorder (and Other Uninvited Houseguests)

Plus a reminder that Michaela Coel deserves every award

Last Tuesday, I sat on the kitchen floor with my phone pressed to my ear, waiting for a representative from the DMV to break through the tinny hold music and help me book an appointment. This call was my attempt to check at least one thing off my growing to-do list, to feel a sense of productivity against the glaze of boredom and apathy and exhaustion.

But just as I was nearing the forty minute mark of waiting, the music just stopped. No one picked up, but the line didn’t seem to disconnect either — it felt like everything was suddenly suspended in the air, paused in place. I sat and listened to the nothingness for a few beats before dropping the phone into my lap and leaning back in frustration, hitting the back of my head on a cabinet handle in the process. 

I cried and cursed loudly to no one (my favorite coping mechanism!) and complained later to my boyfriend over dinner, my parents on the phone, even a few friends with emoji-sprinkled texts. “Nothing is going the way it’s supposed to,” I’d say, as if this was news to anyone. But as I recount this experience a week later, I can’t help but laugh at how perfectly those forty minutes on hold serve as a metaphor for life right now — the long waiting, the uncertainty, the poor connection, even the surprise of new pain against old problems. 

The winter months are hard. We know this. There are memes all over Instagram declaring it, stories centered around it, even songs about it. When I moved to Seattle three years ago, my seasonal affective disorder flared its nostrils like never before, and now arrives like clockwork each year, watching the night sky crash into late afternoon with glee. Usually, I can distract myself from the blanketing feeling of doom — attend concerts! Sip hot chocolate at a coffee shop! Escape the world at the movie theater for a few hours, with popcorn, of course. 

But this year, those coping mechanisms aren’t available to us, and it feels like there are more characters at play than usual. I illustrated them in a webcomic I shared last week:

Like the movie “Inside Out,” but add a little spice (read: doom)

I know this cast of characters looks a little different for everyone — even the stars of the show versus the supporting cast vary. For me, Seasonal Affective Disorder and Lack-of-Productivity Shame have taken center stage. Baseline Sadness is in the orchestra pit (always there, but invisible), and both Anxiety and Pandemic Anxiety pop in and out of frame on a truly chaotic schedule. Thank GOD for Unbridled Hope, who peeks over each of their shoulders randomly. I’m always glad to see her.

Anyway. It sucks to deal with all of these feelings — know you’re not alone in them. And if you need to call the DMV soon, uh, good luck.

I hope you guys like my new section divider images!

On to a few recommendations! It’s Black History Month, and I want to celebrate Black excellence by highlighting some artwork, stories, and people worth following:

• After Michaela Coel’s “I May Destroy You” received zero nominations from the Golden Globes this year, it had to be first on this list. This masterpiece of a limited series offers a harrowing, gripping, brilliant exploration of a woman’s experience coping with the aftermath of sexual assault. The soundtrack, linked here, is incredible, too. 

• Rachel Cargle (linking her Patreon here) is sharing a Black History Month learning series on her Instagram page. Each day, she posts a prompt to help lead folx through their own unlearning, learning, celebration, and, as she perfectly puts it, “providing deep affirmation of the Black experience in America (and throughout the world).” 

• I know I’ve recommended them before, but Brit Bennett’s “The Vanishing Half,” Kiley Reid’s “Such a Fun Age,” and Raven Leilani’s “Luster” were three of the best books I read in the last year. 

• Coy, the creator of Coy Collection, makes the most stunning and fun ceramic mugs (and I’m still coveting one from afar, because they’re always sold out — and rightfully so). 

• Another fantastic educator and artist is my friend Danielle Coke, the brilliant creator behind @OhHappyDani on Instagram. Truly joyous content :)  

If there are any you’d like to share, drop them in the comments, please!

Thanks again for reading. I hope these continue to bring a little joy and relief to your inbox! I’ll end with another TikTok video, which I recommend watching on your phone in the dark (I promise this is not a trick!).

Until next time,

Haley 

HaleyWroteThis is a free newsletter written by me (Haley Weaver!) and occasionally edited by my brilliant younger brother, Graham Weaver. If you like my work, consider supporting my Patreon or checking out my shop.